Dr. Skinny Pants or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the Look

Firstly, people use this Dr. Strangelove reference way too often, it crops up in newspaper columns all the time.

Secondly, do you remember that rant I wrote against skinny jeans all that time ago? At that time I was complaining about how all people wear is skinny jeans all the time, including men. As if that wasn't bad enough, nowadays the look is FORMAL SKINNY PANTS. Yes, things like this:

Via Note A Margin

Oh my motherflipping god.

I have noticed that this style has been propping around for a while now, but before it only used to be early hipsters, bastards, or idiots adopting this look. Now, there are a lot of "normal" men queuing up to look like this. This look is considered very chic and metrosexual (and other terms that bastard yuppies made up in the '80s) and men who manage to "pull off" this look are considered fashionable.

Well baby, here's the thing: there is no man in this entire universe who can pull off this look (yes, this includes Alexander Skarsgard and any fashion-conscious Martian bacteria). Here is a relatively small list of things wrong with this look:

• It's not actually formal. If someone turned up to work like this, the security team will kindly escort them outside (I hope).
• They make your look your legs look really short and your top body look really bulky.
• Those glasses - you filthy hipster.
• Those shoes - they might look okay with normal pants, but with these, they make you look like a certain folklore creature (look below), or a clown.
• Don't skinny pants make your legs hurt? At least skinny jeans can be stretchable, but these pants - it's like an octopus is trying to make love to your legs.
• It makes you look like a lady. 

Now don't get me wrong, I am no fashionable person, in fact, I have the fashion sense of a common garden slug. But come on, you have to be an absolute idiot to think that this look actually makes you look smart/casual/sexy.

You know what it makes men who wear this look like? LEPRECHAUNS. Yes, those little green rainbow-chasing folk from Ireland. See for yourself:

Via link

Also, wearing shoes without socks is gross. I don't want these bastards approaching me with their stinky, hairy and swamped feet.

Look, I know that this look may be fashionable - but fuck fashion. Seriously, people in fashion can be real wankers. Every year they make hot male models walk the ramp in everything from floral skirts to Speedo+suit combos.